Do You Apologize to Your Kids? Transcript
Preeti (00:00)
Hey Curt, how's it going?
Curt Dalton (00:01)
Excellent, Preeti, how are you doing today?
Preeti (00:03)
I'm doing well, you know, there's this rumor going around town that says that you, Curt Dalton, apologize to your kids from time to time. And apparently this is really controversial because parents don't always think that they should or are obligated to say, I'm sorry to their children, to maintain some sort of sense of authority. So I wanted to get your hot take. Why do you apologize to your kids? When do you apologize to your kids? And is that a good practice?
Curt Dalton (00:31)
So let me give you some great parental advice for all the parents out there. If you have a child that is harping on a past event, kind of giving you the vinegar or sticking it to you about some action you did that they were hurt by, best thing to say are these words. Hey, I'm sorry that's a negative memory or I did that. That was the best I could do at the time on that day with the tools I had. I got my tools from my parents, right? Grampy, grandpa, noni, whatever you call your grandparents.
bt I have a different toolbox now and I would have reacted differently. But I'm sorry that that negative thing, fill in the blank, happened and I would have done it differently, but that's on me and I'm going to do better. And as soon as you take that vinegar, like away from that wound or that memory, your kids are free from it and you're free from it. So yes, I've learned to apologize to my kids it might not even be something I think I did wrong. It's their reality. It's their world. their reaction to something I did left a memory or a sting mark that you might not even be aware of. And yes, it's very okay to apologize to your children. By the way, they're human beings. It's okay to talk to them as they get older as adults and young adults. And you're also role modeling that saying, I'm sorry to someone, even if you think you didn't do wrong, but that's how the person felt it is 100 % okay and clears the deck and lets someone know like, hey, I would have done that differently. I'm sorry
Preeti (01:50)
Well, I don't know if you heard, but there's been an uproar of applause in the back from all the family systems therapists out there. It sounds like you've really been able to put the ego down and that it's not about being right. It's about validating your child's experience, validating their feelings and understanding that they might've understood or interpreted something differently than you meant it. And while intention is important, if we unintentionally harm others,
It is 100 % okay and good to say, I'm sorry. And with no caveats, with no disclaimer, I'm sorry that you felt that way. No, no, no, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I think that that is the healthy way to move through relationships. And, you know, we did a video recently about mea culpa.
It disarms the situation, as you said. Like you can take something that is escalating and use the words, I'm sorry to stop it from happening because, you know, when feelings are heightened, when emotions run high, often we are not able to think rationally and move through our pain. And I'm sorry brings us all down to a level of I see you, I hear you, I understand you, and I don't want you to feel bad.
I care about you.
Curt Dalton (03:05)
Yeah, you nailed it, right? Getting the ego or the little one or your wounded child out of it, not engaging with, well, I didn't mean it that way and that's not what happened. That's all your version of reality. Their versions, they were hurt by something you did. You could have yelled at them, you could have embarrassed them, you could have not handled something correctly. So get the ego out of it and do the apology like you mentioned. There's no but in a good apology and a real apology. So it's not, but you did this or but I was frustrated or but I was having a bad day.
Get the butts out, right? But I love you, we did the video on, but I'm a good person. Just say, hey, I'm sorry. I did the best I can that day at that moment with the toolbox I had, and I'm working on it, and I would have reacted differently knowing what I know now, but you're right. If you felt that way, I'm sorry, and you know, I'm human too. And then it really does give your kids a role model of how they're gonna handle their kids and what they're gonna say to their children and people that they accidentally.
offend. you're doing like a, you get like a double, a double bonus on that one.
Preeti (04:01)
Imagine if we did it online on social media as we talk to each other, especially in this political climate. I'm sorry I offended you.
Curt Dalton (04:03)
Ugh.
Yeah, you're right because we're seeing a lot of political gaslighting, right? If you don't agree with me, you're this. There's name calling. That's just gaslighting. And in your own relationship with your kids, when you add that but, it's a little bit of a gaslight. It's kind of giving yourself a way out. It's an excuse. So don't do that. Just say, I'm sorry. And, I'll do better next time. And I'm sorry you felt that way because that wasn't my intention.
Preeti (04:29)
So when you apologize to your kids, Curt, what's the response that you get? How does it change the conversation? How does it change their demeanor? And how does it affect them in that moment and also moving forward?
Curt Dalton (04:40)
Well, it certainly empowers kids or another person in a relationship. When you just say, I'm sorry, this is how I handled it and there's no but or excuse or it's empowering to them to know that they're heard, like you mentioned, and that you respect and honor their feelings in that moment, as opposed to dismissing them or saying, well, that's not true. I didn't really do that. So there's empowering, there's giving of energy, if you will, knowing that they belong and that they're heard, which as we know,
A lot of society doesn't feel heard. And that's we're the fear and the panic and the hurt comes from out there is just no one feels like they're being heard or no one's able to express their pain.
Preeti (05:15)
Right. And on the flip side of it, there's reciprocity. If we're modeling that in our relationships, then it's also an expectation that that's going to be provided for us as well. And we want to be in healthy relationships where we're able to say we're sorry, but we're also surrounding ourselves with people who are also able to say, I'm sorry. And if you're in a situation with somebody and maybe it's not a situation that you can change, maybe your parent never says, I'm sorry. I have friends who will say, I had one parent who for the for the life of them could not apologize. And it really hurt them. And it's something that they carry in adulthood. And these are things that they remember. But the parent who's able to say, I'm sorry, that is also something that they remember. And it is, as you said, something that they will model for their children. But there is no stored pain. There's no stored trauma. It isn't years of feeling dismissed and unheard and invalidated. It's actually something that cuts the pain in half. It heads it off at the pass. it's not something that we have to carry with us forever. So it's definitely the healthy way to go. It's a lot easier if you practice it. And just remember, if it feels uncomfortable, it's okay. Do it a few times. It won't feel uncomfortable, but also make sure that you're doing it with that it's a genuine and sincere attempt at communicating and connecting with your family member.
Curt Dalton (06:36)
You nailed the head on two things one you're correcting a stored trauma that won't continue forward and be passed on that moment that they felt pain or they felt they were unjustly criticized so that's gone and two they'll start saying you're sorry I had it happen with one of my children this week where he you know slammed the door kind of hard thinking it was a funny joke I'm like, are you doing? That's my car. Don't do that. He goes. I'm sorry dad once you start using that language. I'm sorry back and forth. It becomes contagious. It becomes forgiving and it's something you'll both see yourself saying it more and your kids to you imagine like I know there's a lot of parents might watch this imagine your kids coming home and they did something I'm sorry. I'm sorry mom. Sorry dad my bad. Like I'm sure there's many parents going not possible. No, that's never gonna happen. But it is if you start role modeling it they'll do it too
Preeti (07:21)
That's right. And you know, there's something about your family in particular that I've noticed and that there's unity. I mean, you all care about each other very deeply. So your sons care about one another. They have each other's backs. And it is very directly because you've set this tone of we care about one other. We care about feelings. Feelings matter in this family. We are kind to one another. We nurture one another. And there is a reciprocity there. And it's not just between you and them.
They do it amongst themselves as well. It's pretty cool.
Curt Dalton (07:49)
Yeah, and it's definitely, you know, obviously traditional upbringing of men, depending on your culture and ethnicity, we bury it. We don't say, I'm sorry. We don't acknowledge pain. just bury it down and either drink or keep it buried for the rest of our lives. It's like, it's okay, especially to your kids. You know, it's hard maybe to a spouse, cause there's a lot of more things going on to apologize, but your own kids, can say, I'm sorry. I messed that up. I'm human. I, know, again, I did the best I could with the tools I had that day. There was never an intent to hurt you.
It's just, that's the best I could do that day with what I had learned. And again, hopefully you're working on it and creating new opportunities and avenues to express yourself so you can correct it going forward. So there's almost no reason if you've hurt one of your kids to not say, I'm sorry.
Preeti (08:30)
Well, we talk about healthy relationships between parents and children and how to help your child thrive at Maya4Life.com. Please look us up at Maya4Life.com and you can schedule a call with us. You can have a Zoom meeting with us or you can just come in and we can chat with you. We'd love to see you.
Curt Dalton (08:49)
Sounds good. Yeah. Check it out. maya4life.com, maya4life.com and working with teens and parents and going over this stuff. So you guys have better lives too.
Preeti (08:57)
Great. Thanks, Curt.
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